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1. I'm not sorry. For killing Wayne, that is. There's other things I've done, things I am sorry for. But he isn't one of them and I have a hard time picturing him ever being one. The things that he did are still done. And the way I felt then, my reasons for doing it, those things are all still just the same. I know if we ever get the Hell off this island, and I have to go through some trial, people are gonna want me to repent. If I ever do, it'll only be a lie. I'm not sorry.
2. I don't love Sawyer, but for someone who has spent the majority of her life on her own, only looking out for number one, I don't know what I'd do without him sometimes. He's still a redneck, and not the sharpest knife in the block. But he means well, even if he doesn't want people to know he does. I don't kid myself into thinking he'd never turn on me. I do believe he means it when he says he loves me though.
3. I do love Jack.
4. Delivering Claire's baby was the scariest and most redeeming moment of my life, all in one. I don't know why it's such a secret. It's just not something I think anyone really needs to know.
5. In contrast, I wasn't scared at all when the plane crashed. There was that rush of adrenaline, the natural instincts and responses your body has. But dying was better than spending the rest of my life in a cell. So mentally, it wasn't scary. It was freeing.
6. Even though Sawyer saw that horse too, I still think I'm haunted. No one wants to say it, but we all are. This island is full of ghosts, right there among the dead and the Others.
7. The only thing I regretted about following Jack and the others out into the woods that day was that Jack got mad about it. I know, I should probably be sorry that I cost us those guns. But if they really wanted them, they would have came after them eventually anyway. Just like they always have since we got here.
8. I still miss Kevin sometimes.
9. Sometimes I wish I'd never met Tom. I never deserved him, and I only got him killed. As much as I loved him as a friend, and as much as he did for me, he'd have been much better off without me.
10. If we ever get off this island and I get the chance, I have every intention of going back on the run.
04 January 2008 @ 01:00 am
IOWA – It’s been 93 days since Oceanic Flight 815 disappeared without a trace. After many search and rescue attempts failed to locate the aircraft or any of its 326 passengers and crew, authorities reported that it was unlikely that any survivors will be found at this point. Citing the three month lapse since the last communication from the plane was received, an FAA spokesperson said that that likelihood has only decreased more rapidly since then.

One noted passenger was wanted fugitive Kate Austen. Also known as Lucy, Monica Callis, Maggie Ryan, and Annie, Austen had a long criminal history beginning in Iowa and ending with her capture by U.S. Marshal Edward Mars in Australia thanks to a tip from a farmer the fugitive had been staying with. Born to waitress Diane Janssen and her husband Wayne, Austen was long thought to be the daughter of the Army's Sergeant Major Sam Austen. It is believed that upon finding out her true paternity was Wayne Janssen, she killed him by setting fire to his home. It was her mother Diane who tipped police off to an insurance policy Austen had bought in preparation for her crime.

Under her many aliases, Austen continued a life of crime on the run. Though she briefly married police office Kevin Callis under an assumed name, she fled when the U.S. Marshals got too close to her trail. She was then involved in a bank robbery before returning home to visit her cancer stricken mother in the hospital which led to an arrest evasion attempt that ended tragically in the death of Austen's childhood friend, Tom Brennan. Dr. Brennan left behind a wife and small child.

At the time of her arrest, Austen was wanted both in Iowa and New Mexico on various federal charges. Marshal Mars was also aboard the ill-fated aircraft and is believed to have perished along with the other passengers on board.

With the official declaration of death, having been expedited by the circumstances of imminent peril, all cases involving Austen are now considered closed. Though Austen's mother has since passed away, the Austen, Callis, and Brennan families continue to deal with the aftermath of her crimes. No one of or representing the families could be reached for a comment on the assumed death of Ms. Austen and as of press time. The fugitive was 27 at the time of her disappearance.
30 September 2007 @ 09:29 pm
She's making dinner. It's spaghetti, a pretty simple thing to make. Just boil the noodles, and heat up the sauce. All pre-made, so it's not like it takes much effort as long as you're not completely inept in the kitchen or anything.

It's not that simple for Kate, though. While it may not be Taco Night, or cutesy pancakes, or anything else from her book of recipes on how to be a good wife, it's still a struggle. Always a struggle to keep living a normal life. To do normal things. To just cook a simple dinner without feeling like she is somehow betraying herself.

All she's ever really known was how to run. Even when she didn't have something she needed to run from, she just had to do it. She had to leave, see the scenery change as it went flying behind her to the background, flashed back to her in her rearview mirror. Something inside of her had just been born that way; restless. And fueled. She never really knew where she was going, and if she'd ever been there, if she'd ever made it where she was supposed to be, she'd never recognized it. Because no matter where she landed, no matter what her life was at that moment, she still felt like it didn't fit. Like she didn't belong. And there were miles of road still untraveled, needing to be christened under the wheels of her car.

It feels unnatural to her. It's what feels abnormal in her life, to stay and not the other way around. To always be leaving.

Yet there she is, still in Los Angeles, still with Jack, still staying still. Making spaghetti without somehow thinking it's an insult to everything she is, or just a role she's playing until it wears itself thin and she needs a new one to play. And she's not sure, she's never really sure if it'll stick. If maybe the day won't come when the road calls for her again.

She does know by now that if does, she can trust that Jack will follow her down it.
American Girls, all...: contentcontent
1. "It's a girl, Jack."
2. "I love you, Sawyer."
3. "Mom, I'm sorry for killing Wayne."
4. "Come with me, Tom."
5. "Flight 815 crashed? I was supposed to be on that plane."
6. "Okay, Ben, I'll join the Dark Side."
7. "Look, Juliet, why make this whole thing complicated? Let's just sleep together."
8. "I'm sure you just misunderstood him. Locke's a very rational person."
9. "Michael doesn't seem to care about Walt."
10. "And then I decided, if I couldn't pick between Jack and Sawyer, I'd just do both."

Kate Austen
American Girls, all...: apatheticapathetic
05 September 2007 @ 09:18 am
Stockton Women's Correctional Facility.

Home sweet home.

Ever since my attempted robbery got botched and I got caught holding that bank up just so I could steal Tom's toy airplane from the safety deposit book it had ended up stashed in, this is where I'd been living. They nailed me on all charges, and I was sentenced to more time than I cared to think about considering I was already going crazy behind these bars. If and when they did let me out, Iowa had an outstanding order for extradition, and it'd be one prison to the next.

Except that those charges possibly carried a death sentence. At this point, I'd probably prefer that anyway, to being stuck inside this cinder block Hell.

"428154." A guard with a loud booming voice interrupted my thoughts as I sat in the common room, boredly watching the Jerry Springer show while the other inmates milled around, doing their own things. Everyone watched t.v. but no one really ever paid much attention to what was on it.

Glancing up, I raised an eyebrow inquisitively in his direction. 'The Hell did he want?

"We're moving you, Austen." He said in the same dull tone he used whether he was telling us it was time for breakfast or to break it up. "Get your stuff."

"Moving me?" I asked, standing up from the large ugly orange plastic chair I'd been sitting in. "Why?"

Officer Leeds motioned for me to follow him, and I did. I was nothing if not a model prisoner. The more time I could knock off this sentence, the less time I'd have to spend here. Plus, my lawyer said it would look really good for me when it came time for me to go on trial back in Iowa for killing Wayne and for my involvement in Tom's death. Realistically, I wasn't looking at ever getting out of here. But there were certain leniencies I could be afforded. Lesser security housing, more privileges, those kinds of things. Ways to make captivity a little less unbearable.

I walked to my cell, with him following me into it once we got there. He started explaining as I gathered my stuff.

"We got an inmate. Comin' up, fresh outta Solitary. Can't seem to keep her with any of the other inmates. Always fighting or startin' shit up. Thing is, she seriously hurts whoever's stupid enough to mess with her. Never seen nothin' like it." I paused, looking up at him with an uncertain look. What the Hell was all of this supposed to mean? They were clearing me out and putting me with someone else so they could give her her own cell?

"Anyway, Austen. Overcrowding being what it is, there's no way we can keep her to herself unless we keep her in the hole for the rest of her life sentence. Which we can't do without cause. Gotta keep letting her beat the shit out of someone each time so we can throw her back in."

I sighed, finally getting the point of where this all was going. "Let me guess, it's my turn to be bait?" I said, my few worldly possessions in hand.

"Aww, Hell, Austen." Officer Leeds replied. "It's not really that. More like, you're the best behaved one we got in here. Least likely to go startin' a fight with her to prove your place in the pecking order. Warden thinks you're about the only person she can bunk with without hurting." He explained as he led me to my new cell, which was in a more secure part of the prison than I'd been in before. "'Sides, most of us figure, you can kill your daddy, you can definitely handle your own with Lehane." Something about his tone made me think he wasn't so sure about that, but I didn't really care at this point.

"Is the warden going to take this into consideration when it comes to my next review?" I asked though it was more of a hint; a suggestion even.

"Reckon so." Leeds said, with a small shrug of his bulky shoulders as he unlocked the sliding cell door for me in my new home. "Good luck, Austen." He said, before walking away. I'd barely started to unpack my things when I looked up to see a girl with a pale face and dark eyes being led into my cell, still shackled.

"428154." Officer Ross said. "Meet 430019."
American Girls, all...: numbnumb
1. Daughter. She broke the first commandment. Thou shalt not kill thy father. And she broke her mother's heart. Of all the things most people succeed at naturally, this was one she never got right.
2. Friend. It was no secret she'd been planning her escape from the day she could run, so Tom knew she'd leave eventually. What happened to him in the end, she never could have known. But it made her wish she'd never came back.
3. Wife. 'Till death did them part. Or a heavy sedative she slipped in his drink. She'd like to think that maybe he still misses her, the way, deep down, she misses him too sometimes. But she knows better.
4. Mother. There was a single moment when she thought she might be pregnant. It was the thing that shook her more than anything else ever had. A mistake she knew she could avoid. And then the second line never showed.
5. Girlfriend. So far, she's kissed both of them. But the one she really wants, she pushes away. So she buries her dysfunction in the skin of the other one.
6. Anchor. Never stayed long enough in one place to keep anyone else steady.
7. Prisoner. It's why she ran for so long. Her entire life, she'd been held a different kind of captive.
8. Princess. She liked the convertible, the nice clothes. It made her feel like a better person than she knew she was or had ever had the chance to be. But she never could quite forget that person entirely.
9. Devil. To the world, she must seem like some kind of monster. Some completely evil thing. She has her own reasons though. And they're not all wrong.
10. Saint. He was right when he told her that they'd all been born again the day they died. Not that that changed things completely. She may have delivered Claire's baby, and went off into the jungle at every opportunity in some unconscious search for absolution, but there was still the part of her that would kill without hesitation if that's what it came to. Even in the next life, she'll still never be good.

Kate Austen
American Girls, all...: indescribableindescribable
01 September 2007 @ 09:19 pm
"The true magic of this broken world lay in the ability of the things it contained to vanish, to become so thoroughly lost, that they might never have existed in the first place." The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon.

She stares out into the vast and almost too blue waters of the ocean that stretches for miles around them everywhere but into the jungle. The tide turns rapidly, churning up a white foam that hugs the transparent curls as they unfold on to the shore. Sand lays thickly beneath the soles of her bare feet, wet and clingy, almost solid.

She's sinking. Just like she did when she was a kid. And like she's done on this same beach for almost three months now. That's how long it's been since their plane crashed. Two and a half months roughly. It's been almost that long since she'd really believed anyone was coming for them. They were truly lost, and she felt the weight of that constantly pulling down on her bones.

The world beyond their sea feels years away, not miles. Sometimes she finds herself slowly forgetting the things she's done, the person she was. Though those things are never as far away as she'd like them to be. Gone, but not forgotten. A thousand miles away at least, but still sleeping in her bed. It makes her secretly wonder if she's not somehow better off for being on the island. She's not like John Locke. She doesn't want to stay here. But she doesn't want to go back either. Unless she does it like she's done everything since she first started running.

It makes rescue seem like both salvation and doom.

Kate doesn't know that to the rest of the world, she is beyond lost. She's dead. Her plane was found and so was her body. Soon almost everyone in that reality will forget she ever existed.

Without even knowing this, she sometimes wonders if she ever did.

Kate Austen
287 Words
American Girls, all...: blankblank
31 August 2007 @ 05:41 pm
"I'm sorry I kissed you."

"I'm not."

Relationships aren't my thing. I think it's safe to say they never have been. Not for lack of trying. Guess it doesn't matter how hard you try sometimes. You end up like me and Jack, divorced when most people are just starting out their lives. Damaged goods. Or you end up like Sawyer. Emotionally crippled.

After I left Kevin, I didn't plan on getting involved with anyone else. He was never part of the plan anyway. Not saying he was a mistake, but if anything, he was an accident. One of those things you don't expect and then it happens and you're stuck. And I was ready to be stuck. At least for a little while. You want it badly enough, you start believing that maybe you can outrun them. Maybe if you lay low enough, they won't find you. Or they'll just give up and stop looking for you.

I know he'll never believe it or understand, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Harder than living a lie for as long as I did, even. Just because I could fool him doesn't mean that I could ever really fool myself.

Then I crashed on to this island and met Jack. And despite the circumstances and the fact that neither of us were really`that equipped to handle relationships after our failed marriages, I couldn't deny what was happening between us. I could run from it, and I could try and make myself believe that I didn't care. Sleeping with Sawyer never really did what I thought it'd do. But I didn't stop. In the end though, I couldn't help the feelings I had.

It was too late, I guess. When he told me he wasn't sorry I kissed him, I thought that meant there was a chance. But when I saw him kiss Juliet back, I knew it was hopeless. So I turned my back on what almost was and what was apparently already forgotten.

Sometimes, when you set it up to make it easy to run, it makes it that much easier for everyone else too.
American Girls, all...: rejectedrejected
Weather and noise... : "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy
31 July 2007 @ 09:14 pm
"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end..."

Kate knows exactly what she's doing when she goes to Sawyer's tent each night. He knows it too, even if she didn't think he did at first. When she was too busy lying even to herself about her motives, her reasons why.

Some part of her shuts down a few feet from his door. A part of her that she's still subconsciously saving for Jack. That part is a little more obscure. Not as completely obvious as why or even what. But it's there, deep down, and some part of her can't ignore that even as she's driving the wedge even further in between them, she's hoping it will somehow bring him back.

It's the same part of her that dies over and over again when she sees him with Juliet, his back somehow always turned even just slightly to her. Even when he's looking right at her.

The truth is, the only person she feels sorry for is Sawyer. Just like her mother before her, she's made her bed to lay in. And Jack... even if she did break his heart, he got even. He's no longer innocent. They never were.

And even if Sawyer is a willing participant, he still deserves better.

She just wishes she was strong enough to actually walk away and give him what he deserves.

Kate Austen
219 Words
American Girls, all...: discontentdiscontent
Weather and noise... : "Better Than Me" by Hinder
1. Ma
2. My dad - Sam Austen
3. Wayne
4. Tom
5. Kevin
6. Edward Mars
7. Cassidy Phillips
8. Jack
9. Sawyer
10. Claire
American Girls, all...: anxiousanxious